Ramblings

Hi again.

It's been too long since I've had anything to say. Meanwhile behind the scenes I've been bitching and whining about everything. Sometimes you sit back and look around. Today is one of those days.

Luckily I am surrounded physically and electronically by some great people. Sometimes I get distracted and sometimes the same people drive me crazy. Usually this is surrounded by some level of stress. Today I read a blog by Gordo. When I get home I will add a link to it. I don't know that the ideas were new but I have been sick for a couple days and only have a limited amount of nutrition on board. BUT. Today they hit home.

How would I live if I knew I was going to die.

I must be on a starvation vision quest because I get a little emotional thinking about it. Has my focus been in the right places. Outwardly I'm sure many would absolutely say so. I have a loving wife. Two wonderful, though disease bearing children that are happy and healthy. I'm successful in my job in both the clinical and business arenas. I have "stuff".

And maybe that's the problem. Not the family! But work. Over the past two years I have planned a number of changes to create space but looking back I'm not sure. Well I am sure. That I wasn't successful. I started taking a nonclinical day every week so I could workout/hangout with my wife and kids. In reality it turned into another workday. I have had a real problem with saying no. I always say that my catholic guilt is gonna kill me, and maybe that's what it is.

I think it's time to say no and create the space that I want for myself and my family. It sounds easy on paper but in reality it feels much more difficult. The catholic guilt again! I have a medical practice and a host of employees that I feel are family members that depend on me. But I think maybe I'm holding on too tight. The wheels will keep turning without me.

So how would I live...my family is THE most important thing in my world. Obviously that also means making sure that my relationship with my wife is strong. You can't build without a strong foundation. But also that I'm healthy as well. For too long now I've hidden behind a nice glass of wine and owning a nice bike. I used to love riding my bike. It didn't matter what kind of bike, wheels, etc. I had. It only mattered being outside.

I've written before about my training meltdown. Stress is powerful and there is only so much a person can take before something starts cracking. Also i have placed a fair amount of blame on recent injuries. I think i was just reaching for excuses. Eager to place blame but never really evaluating what was going on.

My coach Alan even suggested a change of focus. Maybe run for a while do some ultras. That really just irritated me. Why couldn't I keep burning it at both ends. But he was seeing things that I wasn't. Reading blogs that I used to find interesting were driving me crazy. He had to talk me off the ledge a number of times. Self evaluation is difficult. I guess the reason you surround yourself with smart people is to listen and learn from them. But like they say, "you can only lead a horse to water, you can't make him drink"

Luckily it was only my training that fell away. My relationship is strong with my wife and kids. But my training is important to me. A meditation and stress reliever. So it should be a focus. I asked at my last board meeting if they would put in a treadmill for me. I got a few laughs but looking back it highlighted something important to me.

It's time to get the fun back. Is everything in life fun? No. Is my career important to me? Absolutely. But it's time to de-stress. A few too many gray hairs these days.

I'll try and let you know how it goes. That catholic guilt is a killer!